My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?