my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”