Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”