@notbedelia

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

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@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@DaddyJew

Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet

C:stop

M:stop

C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@UnFitz

I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe

@envydatropic

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@seamussaid

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

@VexingVixxen

I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.

@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]