My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

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[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing


Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet



C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..


interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time


I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe


My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company


Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists


I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.


Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it


*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]