My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
my nickname in college
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
That’s easy for you to say
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.