My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.


dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶


ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself


[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*


Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”


I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.


[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok


Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?


Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands


I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”