My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.