My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I have questions??
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.