My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.

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I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.


{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.


Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?


My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?


A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.


I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah


Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too