4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.