@shkeeber

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

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@ashlar36

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

@thegallowboob

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@ddsmidt

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

@daemonic3

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

@dysalexia

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.