My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
oh shit
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.