Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.