My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table


Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*


[at a bar]

me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal

girl: no

me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building


Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.


HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.


Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.


Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.


How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items


I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning