girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
mom: so where did you two meet?
me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison