My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important


Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud


Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.


“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.


Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.


Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.


*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*


mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison