i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You Might Also Like
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.