My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
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can I use a minion as a tampon
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
this is 10/10 content no notes
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.