*At Railway station
Me : Can I get a return ticket please?
Station attendant : Where to?
Me : Here.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Vampire who is obsessed with his diet.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral