My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

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*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.


HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok


[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.


Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.


My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”


In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.


[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”



Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts