@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

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@beefman138

*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.

@ArfMeasures

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

@iLikeCatShirts

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

@Darlainky

Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

@just1fool

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

@3sunzzz

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

@daemonic3

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts