Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!