My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
These aliens are taking forever.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Well, this is awkward
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.