@SCbchbum

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

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@pilau

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@TheRealPalMal

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

@kevinjrr

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

@LaziestCanine

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out

@TheDairylandDon

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@daemonic3

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!