My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.