My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive.

In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster


When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.


If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.


Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.


Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?


*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*


i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn


You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.


Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?


BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail