typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
IT’S-A ME,
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
channeling her this year
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
worst…sale…ever
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?