Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.