My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
at ease…shoulder.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!