My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”