I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
In banana years, I am bread.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot