My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia