@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

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@hasht4g

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

@Shade510

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@poutinesmoothie

I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.

@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@Nikkeya08

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

@alexlumaga

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.