My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.