My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare