Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah