My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
😂🤣😂🤣
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up