My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.