AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My wife gives the best headache.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”