You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.