My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops