Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
What is going on? 😅
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.