My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Put this video in the Louvre
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell