My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There is no “we” in pizza
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.