ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
So stoned, I had to get back in the shower because I shaved one leg twice.
I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.