My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
You have tetanus
I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute
I sympathize with those who fear that sex ed will sexualize kids. Our youngest studied WWI on a Monday; by Friday he’d invaded Belgium.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy