@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

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@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@thejamietighe

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

@Home_Halfway

I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.

@SkippyMcGizzard

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute

@michaelcoren

I sympathize with those who fear that sex ed will sexualize kids. Our youngest studied WWI on a Monday; by Friday he’d invaded Belgium.

@BunAndLeggings

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy