@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

@_making_friends

me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]

@coryrichardson_

CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair

@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@ArfMeasures

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

@myonlymizztake

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@bornmiserable

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.