My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket


me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]


CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair


If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”


“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine


Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.


KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that


I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.


1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.