The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.