My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
best first i’ve ever seen
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.