My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.