My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.


Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.


me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that


[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”


One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.