TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You Might Also Like
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: