My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Sign at work today
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone