my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

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ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more


Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.


I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.


my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met


Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked


Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.