@ilysmooky

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

You Might Also Like

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@HenpeckedHal

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

@lilijohnsonxx

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.