Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You Might Also Like
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?