parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭