@GrantTanaka
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
@JanineEB4
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
You Might Also Like
@GrantTanaka
@junejuly12
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
@JulieSnark
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
@mattgallo123
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
@NOTVIKING
date: so what are your hobbies?
me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight
@ParasiteHilton
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
@SwartyComedy
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
@TheNYAMProject
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
@sparticus_af
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks