My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”