My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
They’re the worst 😩
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”