My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully


*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.


Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?


Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.

Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.

Wife. Thanks.

Me. No problem.

*Kicks pony tail under bed.


Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again


I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.


I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi


*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”