My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.