my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public