My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.