My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Put this video in the Louvre
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.