My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.