My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.