He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.