My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her


Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.


Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.


I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….


Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?


Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever


Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime


No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.