My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Worth a try
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Sunday
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid